Senioritis Season


The Centers for Disease Control is advising all high school seniors to be cautious this season as a new epidemic ravages the nation. This viral infection, Senioritis, attacks the nervous system, incapacitating seniors. In some cases, students only lose the ability to focus for long periods of time, but in extreme cases, students are unable to even get out of bed.


“We’ve seen it before, but it’s never seemed quite so rampant,” says CDC Director Tommy Freedan. “This year, we are estimating that upwards of 95% of high school seniors are going to be infected.”


Scientists have not yet determined the disease’s exact origins, but many experts hypothesize that it all began with the birds. “It really started when birds began aerily transmitting the disease.” explains Dr. Bob Webster, an epidemiologist at St. Jude’s who was the first to find a connection between bird flu and human flu. “It really is similar to the bird flu. The difference is the mode of transmission. The bird flu is spread through direct contact, but Senioritis is spread when the birds tweet. This tweeting is the root cause of senioritis.”


Doctors in Iowa were the first to come across the epidemic this year. High school seniors from all across the county were staying home sick, unable to work. The bedridden teenagers just wanted to be left alone. The schools were almost a quarter empty. Some teachers reported that they didn’t have any students show up to their class for the entire day.


While this epidemic has parents feeling very anxious, most of the infected are not even worried about it. “I feel awful, but it’s senior year. It doesn’t really matter,” says one infected teen. Doctors are only hoping that all of the infected can recover by August, when the students leave for college.


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