EthanBenn, Staff Reporter
Ethan Benn, a writer for Fox News, reports on contemporary American culture on college campuses. For this article, he followed Hannah Kornegay as she toured America’s institutions of higher learning.
The students of UC Berkeley were treated to quite the sight as famed conservative commentator, Hannah Kornegay, arrived on campus under heavy police escort. Naturally, the brainwashed liberals of Berkeley were out in force, holding up signs declaring “No Hate Here” and “Dump Trump.” I suppose the very thought of a black, female conservative was enough to make these commies quake in their boots.
Equipped with her trademark sunglasses, Kornegay sashayed past the diverse crowd of students and hired protesters, the pockets of their skinny jeans full of money from the globalist George Soros. Further back, a few members of “Antifa” were acting rather like fascists, unfurling a banner which bore the simple slogan: “Hate Speech is Not Free Speech.” While the rest of us real Americans supporting Kornegay were being oppressed by the heat, these leftists were oppressed by figments of their own imaginations. With any luck, Kornegay would free their minds from words ending in “ism” or “ist,” and preach the values of western civilization, democracy and capitalism.
Inside one of the student buildings, Hannah prepared to deliver the best speech these fragile-minded munchkins would ever hear in their young lives. The overwhelmingly white male members of the College Republicans soon showed up to listen to their invited guest speaker. Both of them sat down in the front row, their boat shoes matching the tan color of their khaki shorts and coordinated, freshly-pressed button down polos.
Eventually, the room filled in as other students began to arrive. The crowd settled in and quieted down as Kornegay stepped up to the podium.
“Good evening, everyone. Let’s get started – hit me with your best questions!”
Someone made their way to the microphone and grasped it tightly, the awful shriek of feedback echoing through the room.
“So, um, like, yeah – the government is good because it paves roads, and you like need roads, so. So we pay our taxes, which is good, because you know roads, they’re good? Like yeah, so can you explain why roads are bad?”
Hannah shook her head. “Well, okay. So you know what theft is right? It’s when somebody uses the threat of force to coerce you to give something up, right? So that’s what the government does, right? Because, right, if you don’t pay your taxes, then you’re a criminal, okay, and they won’t respect your status as a sovereign citizen, alright. So taxation, it’s theft, okay? And if roads are so important, you’d pay for them anyway, right? We could privatize it, drive on private roads, you know. So great.” The very thought of private ownership seemed to bring tears to her eyes.
The self-proclaimed socialist snowflake who had asked Kornegay the question in the first place evaporated, and another student took her place.
“As a queer Latinx womyn, I think that you and Donald Trump are working to kill me – why are y’all literally Nazis, like really?” The crowd erupted into applause over this deeply emotional and thought-inspiring question.
Hannah looked around the room as she contemplated an answer in her head. What to say, what to say? Aha! She had her response now: “I’m a black woman, so no. Not a Nazi, but nice try though.”
As she finished, the crowd broke from cheering into chanting wildly – “No Nazis, KKK Anti-fascist USA!” over and over. In the panic, someone had pulled the fire alarm, adding more noise to the cacophony.
“Oh my God,” bemoaned Kornegay. “Look at the color of my skin compared to Hitler’s. I am not, I repeat not, a white nationalist!”
And when the crowd had finally died down, and Hannah’s security detail had rushed her into another room, the questions resumed.
“What can we do to dismantle negative systems of power which incorporate cis-hetero patriarchy, class warfare, internalized misogyny, transphobia, fatphobia, Islamophobia, homophobia, xenophobia, capitalism and fascism in their foundation? Do you, as a black woman, need to acknowledge your privilege and help us overthrow the status quo?”
Kornegay put her hand over the microphone and mouthed, “Is this a joke?” With a deep breath, she plunged headfirst into the question.
“Could you repeat that, sir?”
A hush fell over the crowd. Hannah had committed the gravest of sins, the cardinal offense of social justice, the irredeemable sin for which no repentance could absolve her of,
“Did. You. Just. Assume. My. Pronouns?”
Knowing her blow had been well received, Kornegay continued onward. “Oh, snowflake, I’m so sorry to offend you. Look, the United States is the best country in the world, period. End of question. You and your merry band of communists are the issue, right? You’re the worst. There isn’t a ‘cis-hetero patriarchy.’ Speaking of which, do your parents know your tuition is going to this garbage education by these garbage professors you have? Or did you figure that you’d tell them when you need some place to go after your gender studies degree doesn’t work out? Oh, how sweet. And stop with all these phobias, right? I know you guys are all about mental illness, but you don’t need to create one to feel special. That’s right, say it with me…” Hannah took a deep breath,
“Liberalism is cancer!”
The microphone hit the floor with a clang. And as Moses parted the seas, so too did Hannah Kornegay part the waves of C-students who clamored around her.